The Moment I've Been Waiting For...

There's one thing on my mind, and that's me and the beach. Can't wait to hit the waves and get some aquatic inspiration so that I may come back refreshed, anew, with lots of sunny words and "on the edge" photos and stories to report back to you. So, if you don't hear from me, just know that I'll be back soon. For now, I'm gonna binge on the waves of life and take a sip of some tropical relaxation. See ya soon...

I am Woman

I'm not your little play thing, I have a voice, I have a name.
Don't summon me with a whistle or a "holla,"
Don't size me up and speak as if I were a shiny new Impala.
I am Woman. One of God's most precious creations.
I am Beauty- Bread of earth, queen of nations.
Deep as the ocean, strong as the wind,
Re-birthing existence again and again.
In darkness, I shine. Through turmoil, I reign.
I am Woman, and I have a name.

Moving Along

blades of grass
tickle my toes
as I sit here wondering
if anybody knows
that my time here
has run its course
me and this place
are getting a divorce
not a nasty one,
a mutual parting of ways
as life now presents
the ending of this phase
and I’m ok
with beginning a new journey
although I am in no way
in a hurry

Question of the Day

What is love? I haven't a clue. Is it given to me because I've given it to you? Can it protect me from the painful blows of this hateful world? Or become that pain from which its blows I fall and curl? Is it given like blessings, or earned like trust? Made out to be made out with each pelvic thrust? Does it want what others have or does it have what others want? Is it all or nothing, or bits and pieces, one by one? What is love? Someone please tell me. For what I once thought was love has often hurt me. Left me afraid to use the word as an action or a noun. With the power to send me flying high and with that same strength, bring me down. Is love never failing? Is love always true? Is it given to me because I've given it to you? Somebody please tell me, for I'd surely like to know where this seed of love is planted so that I may cultivate it, nurture it, shield it, build it, help it grow... Inside of me.

He Speaks to me with a Calla Lily

Calla Lily
High, up on the top floor of her apartment suite
She slowly counted the seconds, trying not to weep
While knowing that at any moment, her life could take a turn
But either way, she knew that it was just a lesson learned
As the seconds turned to minutes, the minutes were complete
The blood rushed to her head and she fell down to her knees
Tears filled her eyes, while turmoil consumed her mind
He slowly knelt beside her as they gazed at the “plus sign”
His heart began to race, but he quickly regained composure
Not knowing what to say, he could only think to hold her
In his face, he tried to hide it, but the doubt had surely grown
He wondered how he’d raise a child that was not his own
Not thinking of the reasons, not worrying about the pain
He knew that he would be there, and love them both the same
So hand in hand they stood, embraced by arms and chest
They decided not to let the rape decided what happened next

~Sublime_anarchy

He Speaks To Me
in the quiet moments he speaks to me
he is the strong, silent type
doesn’t really say much
doesn’t really need to
just as the flower that blooms
without making a sound
his mere presence speaks volumes
with his hands he fixes my broken heart
paints masterpieces over the cracked parts
with his shoulders he bears the weight of the world
and still manages to come home everyday lips up-curled
with a kiss for his favorite girl
with his eyes he sees our future together
our home, our kids, and everything we’ll do
and I believe him because I see it too
and in the silence when he speaks to me
beneath moonlit skies as the stars twinkle
and glisten in his eyes
I listen

~Tiarra

Inspired by...

Hey guys, I know it's been a while since we've posted (My bad). Anyway, we, well actually, Tiarra came up with the idea for each of us to find an image and come up with some piece, some words, some 'something' that reveals how we see the image. So we'll have one image with two completely different interpretations, or maybe we'll have very similar interpretations. Who's to know? I'll be posting the first "imageography" momentarily. Please comment, and shout out to the new followers!

Mad at Me

Mad at me

For allowing myself

To allow you

To find out just how

To hurt me

You learned how

Because I let my guards down

When I thought that you
Would love me

Now my heart's all screwed up

My eyes are heavy

From tears that I've cried

On some of those nights

When I thought that you loved me

Yet instead

You just hurt me

And the pain cuts deep

Like a knife

Wors is Bond!

The other day, someone made the comment that I was "obsessed with time." I responded with a baffled stare, attempting to comprehend how, considering the circumstances, that person's lateness translated to me being "obsessed with time." Time is important and valuable, but to say that I am obsessed- a bit extreme. I have no problem with occasional tardiness, but when your tardiness becomes more of a norm than an accident, the focus swiftly slips from an incident of time to one of accountability. Someone, once very close to me, would always say, "Your word is your bond." It's amazing how words can speak so many things into existence and make things die all at once. Think about it- If you tell a child that you are bringing them some M&M's home on Friday night, just know that even if it's Monday, that child will remember and bug you about that candy every day until Friday. And if you show up without it come Friday, you've just devastated that child who had been waiting for, looking forward to, really wanting those M&M's. Well, that's how I am about people keeping their word. If you tell me that you are going to do something, I expect that you are going to do it, when you said you were going to do it. Understanding that things do come up, I have the sensitivity and mindfulness to accept that which we have no control over, but certain things, we do have control over. So, call me "obsessed" if you so choose, but don't feather out my "obsession" as a means to keep people on a schedule or some twisted sort of time constraint. If you have to label me as "obsessed," label me me as obsessed with trust and accountability. Just keep your word. There's only one person accountable for the words that come out of your mouth, and that's YOU.

the outsider

the door shut and for the millionth time
she was on the outside looking in
watching as her life passed
right before her eyes
no matter how hard she wished
she just couldn’t get in
blinking back salty tears from silent cries
unaware that it was all within reach
silent cries turn uncontrollable sobs
when all she needed to do
to walk into her life
was to reach out
and turn the door knob
her limbs were leaden
too heavy to lift
her fears told her she didn’t possess the strength
so for the millionth time she sat on the outside
watching as her life passed her by
drenched in her tears
paralyzed by her fears

The Truth About Dinosaurs

Just for laughs:)

heartstrong

as the loneliness begins to wane

and the clouds surrounding my heart dissipate

my eyes open slowly and the darkness fades

the light baits my heart

coaxing it out of its cave

and he is there
smiling over me quietly
fingers twirling in my hair

he whispers to me

and I listen with my whole heart

as he tells me how much he loves me
and I believe him

his words are pure

his voice is honest

and I was wrapped comfortably in his promise

he would walk to end of the earth for me
take a breath and carry it in his chest to me

surviving only on the strength of his love for me
but there is something

something in the way

holding me hostage to the pain of yesterday

my heart is willing and forgiving and naïve

my body is ready

but my brain refuses to believe

knowing that following my heart is dangerous

but his love makes my heart strong

and with every beat I learn to trust

My Little Kasintahan

My little Kasintahan,

I heard your cries in the darkness,

So I am here to take your hand.

Let me be your moonlight.

Tell me your deepest fears,

Your wildest dreams,

And I'll keep them forever locked away

All just for you,

My little Kasintahan.

Connected to You

Connected to you
By invisible forces
Drawn out, created
By unknown hands
The blueprint-
Illegible
The source,
Unidentified
But I follow,
Simply as intended
So that I may remain
Connected to you
Like strings to a puppet
Only I’m the marionette
Mind manipulated,
Heart castrated
Pulled to and fro,
Back and forth
Round and round
So that I
Like so many others
Can remain
Connected to you
Yet still, strings fall apart
Knots come undone
Thoughts string together
Into one big, tangled mess
And I’m emotionally a mess
Trying to unravel myself
All so that I may remain
Connected to you
You who couldn’t care
Less
Because you’re connected
To everyone else
But me
So go on,
Keep working the strings
Keep laughing while you
Make me stumble and fall
And the knot gets
Bigger and bigger
All so that I may be
Connected to you

Hide Your Kids! Hide Your Wife!

You gotta watch this! Hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxGuig7pxvw&feature=youtube_gdata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEvNS5TzvwM&feature=related

Forgiveness

Wanting to escape you while I still love you. Not understanding how we could go from best friends to distant strangers literally over night. Pain consumes my thoughts when I think of you. Anger fills my head when I see you, so I just try to stay away. But no matter how many streets I avoid to avoid you, you always meet me in my dreams. You always meet me with affection and I accept you with forgiveness. See, that's the difference between what is real and what is not, because I am not quite there in real life. Forgiveness... First, I have to let go of the hurt, next, the resentment, finally, you. I have to let you go, as much as it may hurt me and as much as it may hurt you. And maybe, in another time, in another space, we can be friends again...

The Terror of Night

this was far from a dream
light years away
dropped my heart off a cliff
somewhere along the way
screaming the entire way down
and not making a sound
trapped in silence
overwhelmed by fear
seeking peace
as the demons draw near
there is no solace for me tonight
instead of rest there's a fight
the darkness overpowers the light
and I must battle silent screams
to awaken from yet another
horrible dream

...but you promised!

Good intentions and broken promises.

That's all I have to say about you. I'm not sure if I can continue to move forward with you if all you can bring to the table is good intentions and broken promises.

You said you would be there and I wanted to believe in you, take you at your word, hold on to the assurance in your voice, pull it close to my chest and let it sink in deeply and resonate with my love for you and just keep it there because it feels safe and warm there like hot cocoa in my tummy on a cold winter's night but in the deepest darkest recesses of my mind, tucked tightly behind a brick wall built of the lies you tell me I knew you wouldn't show. You just couldn't let yourself be there, let yourself be great, for me. And I still wanted to believe that if I didn't buy into your truth then it just couldn't be true. Out of sight out of mind, right? Wrong. But you really did want to be there or at least that's what my heart keeps trying to convince my brain of because it helps me feel good about falling face first full speed into the concrete opening my heart for you and continuing to believe in you when every sense and sensibility is screaming to me that you're a flake but this lie is just too heavy and my heart beats too slow to carry you all the way to the truth.
But if you want to buy a place in my heart for all eternity, bring me socks and jellybeans and sheet music and a library card and ice cream. one per day. in that order.

What's in a Name?

So, some people have been asking, "what does sublime_anarchy mean?" Well, today's the day you find out (lucky you)! Sublime_anarchy is a name I came up with to describe what it is that I'm doing with this blog. As you may recall, BlackOut the Night is all about creativity and going against the norm. I wanted a name for myself that was really different from any other. I love adjectives. I love words that can put a different spin on things just by being in front of it (exp. fresh bananas are different from rotten bananas). So, I thought of the best possible word to describe the best possible blog out there (sense my confidence?), and I came up with Sublime. Nothing's higher than sublime. Then, I thought, since this blog is all about going against the norm, why not integrate that into my name somehow? I remembered that an anarchy is absent from any rules or governance, and I thought it to be perfect. Although most people think of chaos and confusion when they think of an anarchy, I'd like to think of it as a limitless, "ruleless" place or space. Combine it with the sublime and you get 'a supreme and impressive place of no limits'. So there you have it- sublime_anarchy. Hope that answered it for ya, if not please feel free to comment!

Dreamaphobe

Afraid to dream because I know I'll see you

Afraid that again, we will fall in love

And run away together,

Spend our days on the beach

And our nights in each other's arms

Afraid that it will become more and more

Like Reality

And less like a dream

And I won't know the difference

Afraid that you'll be everything I ever wanted

And all I'll ever need

Afraid that we'll grow old together

And live happily ever after

But I'm most afraid

Of waking up

(Image by Jennifer Reed)

Happiness, Interrupted

I’ve been waiting on this moment for such a long time. I know that it’s here because that anxious, tightness in my belly, heart racing, mind stumbling sensation has escaped me. I feel like I can finally just enjoy this feeling of pure, enticing, boundless happiness. Boundless happiness… It’s the adjective in that statement that scares me, and I wonder if there is such a thing as “boundless” anything. Wouldn’t it be swell to have an infinite, limitless level of happiness that was never deterred or predetermined by some force, whether internal or external? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see every obstacle as a challenge or test of your happiness? If there was such a thing as ‘boundless happiness,’ what would it mean, and how would one achieve it? I think about children when I run that phrase through my mind because children are untainted, optimistic, naïve, and dare I say, ignorant to many facets of hurt, pain, fear, and hatred. Only a child can love with the same intensity that they hated moments earlier. And a child’s happiness is simple. A smiley face sticker or an ice cream cone can send them into a state of boundless happiness. But we, as adults, allow our happiness to become interrupted by trivial, insignificant people and situations that play only a minuscule part in the large scope of our lives. We turn what should be boundless into temporary and transient moments that last much longer than they should. Why do the angry, fearful, avoidant moments last so much longer than the happy ones? I can’t speak for others, but when I think of my life, I’d like to be able to measure my boundless moments far greater than my limited ones. And although I’m sure that this moment I’m living in right now will soon fade away (because I am also of the flesh), I am going to enjoy every boundless second of it. Join me…

Something Like a Social Worker

So, in this field, I get asked on many an occasion, "How do you do what you do?" For those who don't know, I work with traumatized children, the sexually & physically abused, grief/loss, domestic violence, cutting children that most people write off as "damaged goods." In all honesty, it's probably the hardest job I've ever done, but I love what I do. You cannot be a social worker and not love what you do (unless you're in the wrong field or you work for DFCS). So how do I do it? I do with a lot of prayer, a lot of processing, and a lot of support from co-workers and friends. I think it's easier for me because most of my close friends are in an associated, if not the same, field as I am. Being a social worker has truly allowed me to explore myself as something like a pawn in the world. If it takes me to bare the burden of sleeping with a child sexual abuse case on my mind to know that that same child is sleeping peacefully and safely tonight, I'd be a pawn any day. And I love it because I get to wear a lot of hats:) I'm a super feminist, advocating for single mothers one day, a socialist, fighting for equality within a particular community another day, and my personal favorite, a friend. To see these kids' eyes light up when they come in for a session is a feeling like no other. So when people ask, "How do you do what you do?" I think, how can I not do what I do? So here's my official shout out to all of my God bearing social working socialists with a feminist twist , and to all of my others who are something like social workers!